Fear

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil. 4:6

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

I find myself lying in bed praying, rebuking, "taking captive" these thoughts that attempt to fill me with fear. I think of songs like the one from Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus", Matt Redman, "Blessed be Your Name", and Natalie Grant, "Held" for comfort and yet am still burdened. Here are the words for "Held". Honestly, they scare the crap out of me - sorry to be so crude.

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Matt Redman wrote "Blessed be Your Name" in response to the 9/11 attacks. He was also inspired by the verse out of Job when Job observes all he has lost and yet chooses to praise the Lord. I read an interview with Matt about this song where he talks about the need for everyone to have a song of lamentations.

The power to choose to bless God's name in the midst of pain and a broken heart can only come from our great Comforter. He is the One that comforts us so that we comfort others that will experience similar brokenness. (2 Cor. 1)

I have experienced, and lived this throughout my life, except for one time. I was completely blind-sided by an earth shattering event. I didn't choose to praise the Lord through it. God quickly brought me to a place where healing began, in which I then praised Him.

I've always thanked God for the child-like faith He gave me as a very young child and throughout my young adult life. I've had, like so many, some pretty awful things happen to, and around me throughout my childhood and yet, that child-like faith had me choosing to praise the Lord and accept His healing in every circumstance - except this one. It planted a seed of fear in me that has never quite been resolved.

I was set free from so much of this fear that controlled my life and was causing me to have a lot of doubts about God's goodness, about two years ago. I can now say, with all confidence, that God is good and He loves me. I trust Him and the plan He has for me. Praise the Lord!!

However, how can you......is there a healthy way to know this, trust in Him and His plan and yet still not feel so great that tragedies still happen? To question why this is true?
My mom always asks "why not?", whenever I pose this question to her. This seems like such a waste of time to think through this and ask such questions and yet they hover over me. I would love to put these questions to rest and live out the peace that I know passes all understanding.

I think of a sermon I heard from Pastor Dave, Cambridge Vineyard, where he spoke on the passage about giving thanks in EVERY circumstance, for this is God's will for you, from Thes. 5:18, which completely challenged my understanding of this, seemingly, simple verse. To thank God even for our hardships seems crazy. (awesome sermon btw) It was extremely helpful and something I had never heard from a pulpit before or since. I still struggle with this concept but know that it is true.

The stakes are higher now than they used to be. I am SO thankful for my life. I love being home with our girls. Though I look forward to one day returning to the workplace, I cherish these days with the girls that I know are fleeting. I know I will have to start over when that time comes, most likely returning to school for a degree that will allow me to re-enter the workplace. I wouldn't be able to support our family on my own right now if I had to. We have three beautiful girls with so much potential, and so much life ahead of them.

...the stakes are so much higher now than they used to be.

And yet, I trust You, Lord. Though this body counsels me to fear, I will sing out, blessed be Your name. Set me free from this lingering fear that arrests me in my sleep. Fill me with your peace, Holy Spirit, that passes all my fears, logic, understanding. You are good, Lord. Your mercies never fail. Your love endures forever. Put these questions to rest. Protect us, Lord. Do not let any weapon forged against us prosper. Bless us, Father, with health, wisdom, strength, safety, compassion and ready hearts. I trust You, Lord. I know this life is not easy, and I thank you. I have a beautifully blessed life and I thank you for that, as well.

When the sun is shining, and the world is all as it should be - blessed be your name.
On the road marked with suffering, and when there is pain in the offering - blessed be your name.

Let your grace be poured out over our family, please Lord, that this may be the legacy and blessing we pass on to our future generations.


...forgive these ramblings and sometimes incoherent thoughts. I'm just trying work through this. I do think, though, as I read back through, that my focus needs to shift in a BIG way off of the impending doom and onto His goodness. ...more later:)