...trusting ...even when the Red Sea doesn't part

A friend of mine asked the question "Would we still trust even if the Red Sea didn't part" in regard to our desire to see miracles happen, often missing the miracle that is normalcy.

great question, huh?

Several posts have inspired this pondering today.  I won't go into it, but it has caused me to think back on a time when the "Red Sea" didn't part and I, in response, questioned the goodness of our amazing Father God.

We had just come off of a year of redemption in many ways.  The city we had loved and left was given back to us.  We loved being back in Boston.  We returned with two small children after four years of being barren.  The job Gavin loved and found favor in was given back to him in the form of a new company and new responsibilities.  We bought the cutest 4 bedroom home in Cambridge, MA and attended worship at Cambridge Vineyard, experiencing worship in its fullness as we never had before.... or have experienced since.  Friendships left behind were restored and new friendships were made that continue to shape and influence our lives today.

...it wasn't the easiest of years but it felt good.  It felt very Job-ish. :)

To our surprise that Job season was much shorter than we had anticipated.

We were being called elsewhere.  ....we were very clearly being called outside of our comfort zone.  The calling was to move to Fort Thomas, KY to help start a community-based church with Vineyard affiliation, and with friends we had known during our previous time in Boston (Marblehead, to be specific).  After months of trying to figure out how to make this work, sale our home, and jokingly try to convince Father and the team that we should really be doing this in New England...preferably Cambridge :) ....we said yes and made preparations to move.

Our home didn't sell.  Gavin left his job and began his own business consulting company.  We had two littles at the time.  Boy, was this going to be an adventure!  We knew the Lord would provide.  He had made it very clear that He was asking us to do this now, without the house selling.  We left Job behind and now were stepping into Abraham's shoes...

This story is already way too long, but to sum it up quickly.  There were months when we didn't have the rent on time for the ugly 2 bedroom apartment ...that was decorated back in the 70s ...and never updated.  There were months when we couldn't pay our mortgage on our Cambridge home.  Our home went into foreclosure, our credit was ruined, and I wondered why in the world the Lord would have called us out to this place and not provide for our needs!!!  I was more than a little jaded.  I was pretty much pissed off.

We had been obedient!  Now everything was supposed to be smooth sailing!  We were careful with our money, very open-handed with all we had and loved to share what we were given.  We were doing everything the way we were supposed to...!  (I still get a knot in my stomach when I remember how dumbfounded I was in that confusion.  ....still trying to figure out if He really was ...good.)

....the reality was far from smooth.  The "Red Sea" didn't part.
....at least not the "Red Sea" I was looking at...

I've become a child always on the look-out for Redemption!
My sweet Father has conditioned me this way,
and He loves to surprise me!

Had we sold our home in Cambridge, we would have bought a home in KY, but that was not Father's plan.  He knew that our time in KY was important, but also short.  After a year and a half, Gavin felt led to accept a position in D.C. - totally out of left field for me.  I was sure it was a mistake!

 ...it wasn't a mistake at all.  It was exactly what our family needed and where we were called to be.

Had we sold our home in Cambridge, we would have bought a home in VA, but that was not Father's plan, either.  He had a house prepared for us to rent ...way bigger than anything we would have ever considered, with a plan ...way bigger than anything we would have ever dreamed. (...saved for another post)

About a year after moving to VA, I was enlightened with this truth:

good credit is not a Need.

I was still processing the previous two years and the reality of our Cambridge home being in foreclosure again, when He opened my eyes to His provision.

The truth is, we never went hungry.
We had way more clothes than we needed.
We never lost our home in Cambridge.
The rent may have been late, but was always paid.
Every single need .....n.e.e.d..... was provided.

As soon as I realized this was true ...my credit score has no value in my Father's world - good or bad
...I was free!  ....the sound of chains falling to the ground.
The "Red Sea" parted for me and I saw how good ....really good... is my Dad.

He is good.  He is a good Father.  He always provides what we need
...and so often abundantly more than what we need.

(Our home in Cambridge sold shortly after that revelation......... He's got a great sense of humor:))

I must say:
We learned so many invaluable lessons during that Abrahamic season in KY that I wouldn't trade for the best credit score attainable.  I'm abundantly thankful for our time there.  We are blessed with deep friendships that have changed our lives and continue to bless us beyond words. The community there is still thriving and we regularly visit, as well as, host many from that beloved community in our home.

Betrayal...the sting meant to kill

Betrayal has left a trail of great pain and heart ache throughout my journey of faith, beginning my junior year in high school.  Someone close to me started a rumor in my school that I had had sex with my boyfriend.

I was a very outspoken, bold and, more frequently than I would have liked, judgmental and arrogant Christian.  The problem was that I was also very flirtatious and sexual in my nature, having been exposed early in my life to sexual abuse and pornography.  Ashamedly, this lie was not hard to believe by those close to me.  It was a lie.  I had not had sex with my boyfriend, in any form, but I was certainly and sadly not beyond reproach.  I lost most of my friends that year.  My reputation was trashed.

Of course, the Lord is faithful and provided some sweet, sweet friends from my youth group that stood by me, comforted me, believed in me, and were a great source of fun and laughter.  Even though the sting of that betrayal hurt and was a sad time for me, I can look back on that experience with much gratitude.  That began a season of me getting serious about my faith.  My boyfriend and I were too physical, and breaking up with him was the first time I experienced denying myself to follow Jesus.  I was spared from the party scene because my only friends were in my youth group.  Even though I had accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was five years old, my faith was in the baby stages of becoming my own.

I look back and see beauty from something meant to destroy me.

Betrayal hurts.  it stings.  ...It's meant to do so.  ...it's meant to kill.
It causes you to question everything around you
....who you are
....who your friends are
....what is truth?
...what is real?

...because betrayal can only come from someone you love and trust.        ...devastating.

...haven't we all our own stories and history with betrayal?  ...the sting that is meant to kill? 

Certainly our Savior knows betrayal better than me, better than any of us.  However, Judas' betrayal did not kill our Savior.... He willing laid down His life.  He did not defend himself against the lies and accusations....not even against the betrayal itself.

Perhaps the power of the effects of betrayal is in our hands. Of course it is!  We control whether or not that sting succeeds or fails in killing us.  It is a decision we make every day - to choose life (truth) or death (lies).  The enemy has no control over me.  I am a new creation, covered in the life-blood of Jesus.  I don't have to let betrayal's sting bring death to my spirit.  It is my choice.

...some days are easier than others.

Some days I need my Dad to help me; to remind me who I am; to remind me who my betrayer is - in His eyes; and to remember ....over and over again... that our battle has nothing to do with men and women.  We all have one common enemy, and he is already defeated.

So, as I'm having a day where the sting is hurting a little more than usual...
...as I battle feelings of depression..
...as I run through memory after painful memory still trying to make sense of it all...
...as I take time to rest in You, my Comforter...
I struggle to turn my eyes to you, Father.  I trust You.  I know You are good.  I know You are faithful and will never leave me.  I know that You are for me...You will never forsake me in my weakness.  I bless Your name.  You are worthy of all praise and honor and glory.  I choose to hear Your truth.

Sing over me...

another slice of humble pie, please?

I just took a walk through memory lane and read some previous posts..... Can I say how embarrassed I am? I immediately think of high school - yikes! I remember those days, much like I feel when I read these previous posts, with great embarrassment at my bold arrogance. I'm not interested in being less bold, but what I want to be known for certainly seems to have shifted. I can feel the angst in those previous posts.

I want to be known for how I love, not who I vote for. I can't say I won't engage in political banter again, but I hope if/when I do it will be with much more humility and less arrogance. Lord, have mercy...:) My opinions around President Obama haven't changed. He hasn't done everything I hoped and has done things I don't like, but that's true of every president that has come before him and every one that is yet to come. I am thankful for our President.  I respect and love his heart and his family.

 However, I do repent for my disdain and disrespect toward Mrs. Palin and Mr. McCain. ...those were words from an arrogant little girl who spoke of things she did not know. I repent.

I hope this will be a place where the Lover of my soul is revealed and glorified... the One that has won my heart and continues to woe my will...

I still find myself fighting that overwhelming struggle that Paul spoke of - doing what I do not want to do, and not doing what I want and know to do.  ...Lord have mercy.  I repent.

I still desire, more than ever before, that He be glorified in me and I disappear...  sometimes that gets twisted and I just want to disappear...  it's been a sad year.

So I count my blessings.  I count my blessings and my spirit is lifted.  I know the One that works all things together for my good, and the good of those I love, is faithful.  the Great Redeemer ...nothing is beyond His redemption ...even this body that feels impossible to change.

and I remember that "forgiveness is the air [I] breath".

One day at a time ....this day.  ...this moment.  
One step at a time  ....this step.

Lord have mercy.

Hi! My name is Emily, and yours?

I haven't even looked to see when I last posted, but I know it's at least been more than a year. ...to say so much has changed would be a gross understatement. It would be impossible to catch up so I'm starting fresh.

I'm sure, as my Father continues to bring healing over this last season and I process...as I always do - verbally, that details of the past year+ will be revealed. There is a lot to process.

*disclaimer - This is a medium I choose to use for processing what I'm experiencing and hearing from my Father. It's also an amateur training ground for writing....something I want to do more of. If you're encouraged, I'm blessed....but that's not expected. I have no motive other than transparent processing - an online journal, or sorts. To God be the Glory for this glorious mess.....

This is a song that Father brought me just before the season of death began for me. I knew that when I was praying (singing - same, same) these words it was really just an acknowledgement of something to come. I wanted it....whatever He had for me. I still do. I'm still in the storm.

...there is peace in His Savior hands.
...Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
...take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. .

..my faith is made stronger in Your presence...