Reshaping how siblings interact

I realized something today, as I was having one of many recent conversations with Raegan regarding the subtle, destructive way she acts toward her sister sometimes.

Having an older brother and younger sister was a wonderful way to grow up. Though my brother picked on us relentlessly, and until someone was crying. He was also there to take up for me if anyone hurt my feelings or threatened me in any way. My younger sister and I had many, and still do have many, arguments and subtle "competitions". We would also, however, have people constantly mistaking us for best friends because we got along so well. We would sneak into the closet (it was a large, walk-in) at night with our flashlights and tell stories and read and giggle, too many times to count, always getting found out and ordered back to bed.

The getting along aspect of our relationship was certainly a credit to how our mom raised us. I remember very vividly her speech about how "you may have a problem with each other behind closed doors, but when you walk outside these doors you better act like best friends". She knew that eventually, it wouldn't be acting. We became accustomed to treating each other with respect.....for the most part, while in public and we didn't have to act like friends, we just were.

Now, behind closed doors was another subject entirely. We fought hard and often, over little things and big things. I still have some raw feelings regarding the way my brother and sister were closer than my brother and I were. We competed constantly, for my mother's attention, my father's attention, who was better at this or that, who was more responsible, etc.

The relationships I had with my brother and sister helped form who I am today. I have great memories and strengths because of those relationships, and great wounds and baggage, as well.

What came to me today during my discussion with Rae, was the power we older siblings have over our younger siblings, especially in our younger years. Rae has always been jealous of Reece, since the second day we had her home and Rae asked if we would "please take her back to the hospital, now". She was less than thrilled when we explained, again, how Reece was now a part of our family and wasn't going anywhere.:)

As I observe my girls together, I see the mistakes I made as a big sister. Gavin and I are constantly teaching the girls that we treat each other with respect. If we see either one of them treating the other disrespectfully we jump on it immediately. Though this may not always be true, Rae's actions usually have the purpose of pushing Reece down and making herself seem better. Her reactions to situations where Reece is being celebrated, is to make a comment that would point out the flaw in Reece.

As I tell Raegan that she has a lot of power over how her adoring sister will soon view herself, I realize that I, too, had this same power over my sister. As I council Reagan on how she has been given a lot of responsibilities as an older sister to take care of her younger sisters, I realize that I, too, had a huge responsibility to take care of my sister. I realize mostly, how I failed as a big sister.

Oh, I understood that I had a responsibility to take care of her, and you can still observe my mothering tendencies even today if you're around us for too long, but I didn't get the responsibility I had to helping her understand how special she is. I see how Raegan can so easily build her sister up or tear her down, because no one's opinion matters more to Reece than Raegan's opinion. As I tell Rae how Reece will either grow up to love and respect her for the way she treated her, or grow up to resent the way she always made her feel bad about herself, I realize that I could have, and should have done so much more to make my sister feel great about herself.

The great news is that these conversations mean so much to Rae, and she really gets it. I console her sensitive and broken heart by assuring her that I made the same mistakes with Aunt Jennny and she has a chance to be a better big sister than I was. She loves her sisters so much. She's a great big sister!

Siblings are a wonderful gift, if that gift is managed properly. Older siblings have an amazing amount of power over their younger siblings, for the good and the bad. We must continue teaching our little ones that our greatest goal is to be known by our love, which begins behind closed doors in our homes and overflows onto all those around us.

Though I can not change my actions in my adolescent years, I can at least do all that is possible to make sure I learn from my mistakes and foster better relationships, behind closed doors, for my children. This gift of power the older sibling has comes with an expiration date. I want to be sure we teach Raegan, and eventually Reece, how to get the goody out of it while they have it.

This world tells us that all children rebel, all siblings fight and that all families can not stand to be in the same room together. We believe that does not have to be true and we can choose a different path. By the grace and power of God, that will never describe our relationships. As for me, and my house, we will serve the Lord and be known by our love. Dear Lord, please let it be.